we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he puts the penis in happiness.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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