She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
