My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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