Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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