Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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