The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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