we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
