There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
