A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
