I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
