Are we in a gay sports bar?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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