Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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