i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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