Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
