i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
