Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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