The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
