i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
