Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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