Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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