my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
