Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
