it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
