So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
