At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
