you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Randomize
