I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
