Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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