I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
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