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i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
