Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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