I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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