My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
