I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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