I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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