How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
