sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
