remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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