upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
