he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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