I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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