You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Randomize
