when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
