ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my poor anus
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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