i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
