my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
