Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
smell my finger.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
