That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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