I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
