Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
