She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
