I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
