I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize