Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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