Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
