yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
