I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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