We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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