I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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