Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
