Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
