A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
