I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think i got beer on your cat.
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