she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
