so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
