Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You did what with his pubic hair?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
