When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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