Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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