can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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