I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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